Infront of 'The Joss'
was in the Navy. My Dad was a policeman so I knew better than to get in trouble intentionally, but
for some reason trouble turned up and I found myself ‘In front of The Joss’.
The Royal Navy is policed by the ‘Reggies’ – or Regulators as they are officially known. Not the best
liked bunch and some were downright horrible – putting it mildly. The first time I was in trouble
through no fault of mine was during basic training at HMS Daedalus in 1981 and involved a local
resident’s garden.
One night four of us were coming back from having a drink at the Swordfish and walked through the
roads leading to the main gate as usual. We heard some others laughing and carrying on but
thought nothing of it as they were in another road to us. We slowly wandered through the gate,
showing our ID (as you did). Next thing the Duty Chief tells us to go into his office. Rather bemused,
and desperately trying to act sober (as you did) we did as asked, wondering what he wanted us for.
It turned out that a local resident had phoned the camp to complain about a group of four navy
people messing up her garden, pulling heads off plants etc, before running off.
So there we are, a group of four navy people walking in just minutes later from the direction of the
complaint and not another soul in sight. The resident wasn’t able to describe the people as it was
dark and hadn’t identified two girls and two lads, and so the Duty Chief had to assume it was us. He
checked our shoes for soil or grass, and took a statement from each of us, even though we all said
the same - that we had heard some noise coming from another street.
We were sent away to our messes and told to meet our Divisional Officer (DO)first thing the next
morning. You could tell he didn’t really believe we were responsible, but had to go through the
process. To my horror we were to appear in front of The Joss that afternoon to hear the verdict. Our DO represented me and he said what a responsible person I was, and that if I had in fact done it, it was completely out of character and just high jinks.
The result was a punishment of having our weekend leave cancelled and having to go to the
resident’s house to apologise and put right her garden. I had already learnt by then that there is no
point arguing with the Navy, just do what you’re told and forget it. So our weekend on the Isle of
Wight was postponed and we grumbled about the injustice of it all to our friends and anyone else
who would listen. However, Friday afternoon when training was over, we were told to muster at the
DO’s office again and told that the resident when questioned had said that she didn’t think there
were any girls involved having had time to think about it. We were dismissed and ran off to pack for
the Isle of Wight.
The second time was rather dramatic and I’m actually rather proud of my performance that night. I
think I could have been an actress had I given it a go. It all started on the night before the lads from
771 SAR flew off to their ships to sail down to The Falklands. We all went to the Culdrose 'Bop' to have a few drinks and see the lads off. Of course it was more than a few drinks and at the end we were all rather jolly. Pam, Mo and I lived in Helston a few miles from the camp and were getting a taxi home, when someone suggested having a few more drinks round at ours. This meant we needed more than one taxi, and so a couple of the lads had gone back to their mess to get a few things and I went down to tell them a taxi was on its way.
The men’s accommodation blocks were no go areas for wrens after the main pathway to the galley. I waited at the path, maybe a few feet further than I ought to have been, but not that close that anyone would think I was trying to get in there, when suddenly the duty Chief and a few other duty ratings came running down the path, asked me what I was doing there, was I with anyone and when I told them I was waiting for someone they marched me up to the guardroom with them.
I have no idea why I did what I did next but started crying and said I was waiting to say goodbye to my boyfriend who was going off to the Falklands the next day. Maybe I thought I would avoid getting into trouble for being 'drunk on board', but they seemed to accept that and asked me who my boyfriend was. I didn't actually have one at the time so just blurted out the first name that came into my head. They sent someone out to fetch him from the block and then let us have a few minutes to talk, a tad awkward, but I gave him a look to say 'don't ask' we hugged and said goodbye anyway as he was one of the squadron lads I worked with a lot, and he went back to the block. I was sent to Wrens Quarters as they thought I was too upset to go home on my own - and probably sussed that I was a bit drunk too. I was told to muster at the Regulators Office the next morning to 'See the Joss' as was usual practice when you'd been in trouble.
What I didn't find out until later was that when I was stood waiting outside the block, a lad from the squadron made a prank call to the guardroom to say there was a fight going on outside the block, not knowing that I was there. Hence the duty party rushing down there, only to find me. This was explained to 'The Joss' as I stood in front of him, hungover, wearing white jeans and loud yellow hawaiian shirt - not the No.1 Rig as is usual since I hadn't been able to go home to get changed. I awaited the verdict. My punishment was a lengthy lecture on the responsibilities of being a member of the Royal Navy, accepting that being away from loved ones is part of it and to just get on with the job in hand. A much better outcome than I would have had from being found drunk on board ship! We had a laugh about this months later when everyone was home safe from the South Atlantic.
The most impressive event occurred some years later in 1986 when I was undergoing training as an ETS Wren, having 're-catted' (changed jobs) from Air Engineering. There were six of us completing the final weeks at HMS Nelson in Portsmouth. It was October 8th. My birthday morning and we were having an early card and cake celebration in the mess we shared. We tidied up and left to go to class as usual. Later that morning I was given a message to report to the Chief Wren Regulator at lunchtime. I couldn't think why she wanted to see me but you didn't get to meet her unless you were in trouble.
It turned out that in the birthday excitement I had left my locker open and key in the lock and had been found during rounds. This is quite a big thing in the Navy, especially when in training - even for an old sea dog going through training a second time - who should be setting an example to the younger wrens. The Chief Wren was a real battle-axe and relished making people squirm, so took great delight in escorting me to my locker to show me her second 'finding'. Not only had she found my locker key, but had taken the opportunity of looking inside my locker to discover my stash of electrical items (cassette player, iron etc) that had not been PAT tested - and therefore couldn't be used until they had. (We had to get them done at every ship, sometimes they were at the PAT section for 2-3 weeks so as we were to be there only 5 weeks, had decided to just use one radio cassette and iron between us.) Her face was a picture when I turned to her in front of the PO Wren in charge of Wrens Quarters and another regulator and asked her "So you opened my locker without my permission then?"
Maybe not the best way to make friends with the reggies. I was so angry she had done that but had inadvertently shot herself in the foot and broke a rule herself. I was still under a disciplinary, and had to see my Divisional Officer followed by the Ship's Commanding Officer - being a large ship, the CO dealt with all discipline cases. My DO had a little chuckle at my expense, realising how much the situation had been blown out of proportion, and I suspect at the fact that I had got one up on the Chief Wren RPO. Standing in front of the CO was akin to being on court marshall for me. Scared and a tad anxious about the outcome. I was fined two days pay for both counts of leaving my locker unlocked and for having untested electrical equipment but got a begrudged apology from the Chief Wren for going through my personal belongings. That in itself was worth the two days pay.
Looking back, none of these events were serious, nor my fault really. All part and parcel of the rules and regulations of Naval life. Some are petty, outdated and seem pointless, but make the Royal Navy a well oiled machine. Life is easy if you do as you're told, follow the rules and avoid making waves.
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